So, I lead the music in the women's class in church (Relief Society). Weeks ago, I picked out the songs for the coming weeks based on the topics for each lesson. Today's lesson was about leadership and I had picked two songs, one for opening and one for closing. The opening hymn was, "Lead Kindly Light". I don't remember why I picked that hymn. Actually, when I was getting ready to write the page numbers on the board right before the lesson started, I thought, "Golly, Breclyn! That hymn isnt really about LEADERSHIP! Yeah, it has the word 'lead'...is that really all the farther I looked to pick this hymn?!" I was a little surprised, because I usually put quite a bit of thought in to picking the hymns. I kind of reprimanded myself for not spending more time and finding a "better" hymn.
As the song began, however, I realized that was just the song I needed.
I have been the chorister in Relief Society once before. Many years ago. I think back on that time with so much gratitude. Each week when I picked out the hymns, I really put a lot of thought in to what hymn we would sing. I even would pray and ask God to help me know what songs would most add to the spirit of the lesson, and help touch the hearts of those in class. It was a difficult time in my life as I was dealing with some personal struggles. Looking back, I realized that those songs are really when helped me through the dark time. Something about not just showing up and singing made them more impactful in my life, in my heart. I NEEDED them.
Music touches me. It is a way for me to access parts of my heart and soul that nothing else can. When I sing (or even play some dinky little tune on the piano) there is so much that goes on emotionally. Singing is so private. And so not private. There is nothing "out there" about it. It is all inside. A violin's sting can break, a piano key can get stuck. Things beyond the control of the musician. And all things that can be seen, manipulated, fixed from the outside. Singing is not like that. The instrument is your own body. The music comes from inside. I lay on a piano and feel the warmth of once living wood. I embrace a violin when I play it, pressing it near my heart, resting my cheek on the vibrating well. But singing...it is all inside. It is YOU.
Today, as I was leading the music in Relief Society, as the words came, they left me and returned right back to me. Out of my mouth and into my heart. This adoption process, it is has been hard. It is so, so frightening. What if we are making a bad decision? What if we can't help her? What is her health problems are more than we knew about and she... I can't even say it. But it is a possibility. What if it is so hard that it strains our marriage. I know we can hold it together, I am not worried about that. But do we need to be going out and LOOKING for something to strain it? And what about our "other" kids? What if they don't like her, or she doesn't like them? They are SO excited to have a little sister! I try and prepare them for what it may be like. But what if it is more hurt and trauma and sorrow than we prepared for? What if, what if, what if...? And yes, I believe many of those "what ifs" could and probably will happen. So, what about it? Knowing that means every. single. step. of. this. adoption. is a step of FAITH. And not the kind of faith where we are following in God's path, and we can see the path. This is, like, in the pitch dark...like a cave...underground...a million miles down...on a moonless night...on Pluto. I can see nothing! BUT...I know God is there. He's holding my quaking hand. He is speaking reassurance. If I am still, if I can push past the "what if"s in my head, then I hear it. The still, small, calm voice telling me it is all going to be okay. That God is taking care of it. And just to keep walking because a beautiful, bright, amazing future is ahead. I cannot see it, but it is there. God knows where it is. And I believe that. So, I continue to take my nervous, tentative steps. Not stopping. Never stopping. And never turning back. Lead on, kindly light. One, small light in the darkness. The light of Christ. I will follow it.
So,
HERE is a link if you want to listen to the song. Or, here are the words if you just want to read it:
Lead, kindly Light, amid th' encircling gloom,
Lead thou me on!
The night is dark, and I am far from home;
Lead thou me on!
Keep thou my feet; I do not ask to see
The distant scene--one step enough for me.
I was not ever thus, nor pray'd that thou
Shouldst lead me on.
I laved to choose and see my path; but now
Lead thou me on!
I loved the garish day, and spite of fears,
Pride ruled my will. Remember not past years.
So long thy pow'r hath blest me, sure it still
Will lead me on
O'er moor and fen, o'er crag and torrent,
till
The night is gone.
And with the morn those angel faces smile,
Which I have loved long since, and lost awhile!
(Copyrighted material)
With music,
B
